The Doctrine of Laziness: Lazy Now! Lie Down and Fight! First of all I would like to apologize for taking initiative and writing this document. It goes against all principles and the integrity of the movement itself: Laziness is our virtue and higher calling. But I promise you- if you grant me this one and only exception to the principle of laziness, I will not fall from grace again and this will be the last time that you hear from me (I'll be laying down). The time has come for humanity to take the next step; to reach beyond its current principle of self-actualization through work. I don't like it; none of it. And neither do you. We all know deep down in our hearts that if unemployment benefits were good none of us would be employed. We all know deep down in our hearts that if heaven meant working a 9-5 job we'd all rather go to hell. And this goes to say that we all know deep down in our hearts that heaven is really 'the perfect unemployment office'. Why wait to die? We can make the jump and reach our potential now! You can hear our destiny beckoning us. If you have your ear to the ground you can hear the thunderous sounds of humanity snoring on the horizon…. Don't wait too long or you might not get a bed! It's time we embraced our potential in its most humanly possible expression. Leave the pragmatism to the squirrels; Leave the Utilitarianism to the ants and the hives. Look beyond this illusion and delusion we have come to believe to be human and to see our potential in laziness -the highest calling. Neither you nor I will need a title or job but only a bed after we make this leap of evolution. This is existence calling forth the next stage in mankind's evolution and it cries out 'Be Lazy Now! Lie Down and Fight!' This is our destiny. We must move beyond consumerism and materialism and to see the greater good: The light as it reveals to us the meaning of tomorrow. I don't want to make this a political statement- because it isn't. It's laziness! But if you need a prod and a bit of arm twisting to see the light then I can make something up for you. If you are one of those 'idealist' or 'realist' or whatever your hang up may be then listen to this: 95% of all material wealth belongs to just 1% of the population (if you belong to the 4% that falls in-between then I'm just asking you to lie down and fight for the sake humanity!). This means that 95% of each work day is really for someone else and why would you spend 95% of your 'productive' time putting money into someone else's pocket? I say it's time that we just stayed in bed and let those in the 1% population get the fuck out of bed for once. There you go, if you are 'politically charged and motivated' now you have reason to stay home in bed and to fight. I understand that we all can't just stay in bed right now. We just can't snap our fingers and make the world rosy. See this is how they keep us from getting up… or laying down. Any fool knows that the world would just fall apart in a few days if we were all just 'lying down'… duh! But I have a plan. I have a good plan and to let you know from the very start; it is one of those 'pyramid scams' but this one is for everyone; for everyone must be lazy for our destiny and evolution to be fulfilled and if you accept this obvious fact of man's calling into laziness then you needn't be worried about missing out or being grafted. Laziness in its state of perfection -just as humanity calls it forth - still needs a little time. We just need to start the focus. It's going to take gradual steps. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind! The quicker everyone becomes focused and sees the light of laziness the sooner that we can all lay down and fight. And this plan I am revealing to you will show you the way to laziness and thus your true potential. First we will have to do something…. Just like I am doing something now by writing this – but hey, we are all already doing something, except that 'something' is in the name of 'something' and not in the name of 'nothing'. We need to do something with the intent of eventually doing nothing and understanding this is the first step for everyone. We have to plan for a lazy future. Just like I'm breaking the golden rule of laziness right now by writing this, you too must break this rule. I will ask that you, theEmail friends as the first recipients of this manifesto that you become the Generals: The leaders of tomorrow's laziness. You must do something now to help the world back into bed; or into the bar; or into some other lazy recreational mode. I will ask that you, theEmail friends, the Generals of Laziness, that you use your talents and skills such as making T-Shirts with our calling 'Lazy Now! Lie Down and Fight! For humanity's sake' and you sell them for a good profit (laziness isn't cheap). I ask you Generals who are performers to preach the Gospel of laziness and to sell these T-Shirts of man's higher calling: knowing that when you have succeeded you too will have earned your right to man's next level. If you create, then create in the name of sheer laziness, and Laziness be praised, make some fucking money I'm getting tired! This is only the first stage and the plan is far from being over. But before I divulge anything more I must reveal the ugly side of this thing called 'laziness'. Money is the root of all evil but it is also the root of laziness. I will not spring it on you like a case of the crabs, but I will be forthright and tell you now that you need to deposit those profits (only half of the gross sales) into my bank account including an annual membership fee of $10. Laziness has its price and someone has to pay, but you my Generals, you will be the first to retire to laziness and you will profit most from laziness. Since you are the first wave of 'lazy' motivated thought and action you will be all the more wealthy and the first to achieve laziness. Now, that that is behind us I can say that my plan has just begun. I am not naïve nor do I believe you to be foolish. Laziness needs people and will always need a greater amount of people to truly manifest the spirit of Laziness. Laziness is life! Pro creation for the sake of laziness! This is where I have been busy with the second step in the revelation of laziness and thus the evolution of mankind. As most of you know I am here in China and I know enough Mandarin now to get the point human laziness across to the Chinese. For the last few months I have been in secret negotiations with the Chinese Government to undue the National One Child Policy Act. For those of you not familiar with this, China has instituted a 'one child' per family policy since 1978. Because of their overpopulation they thought that they needed to reduce it, but they were wrong. If only the doctrine of laziness had been in existence at that time all of China would be at home in bed right now. Yes I have spoken with Chinese Government officials and they now know that they need more people. Laziness is not just 'Pro Life' but 'pro lazy life'. What this means is that in the grand pyramid scheme of things there is ascension to laziness and in order to ascend there has to be someone there to push you up – laziness demands new life! And the larger the pyramid becomes the greater the burden, or, if we allow human life to do it what it does best- fuck; then our base of support would be exponentially secured and stabile. Like human existence itself, the pyramid of laziness is self-perpetuating when left to simply procreate. It's all based on a small investment of time, money and a 'little' bit of work but all for the sake of laziness (or we could say 'eternal nothing'). As some of you know I speak German as well and I have also been in discussion with German officials and the EU. The European population has been in a natural decline over the last couple of decades but the EU has agreed to take drastic measures to insure an upswing in the population growth. Bayer, Johnson & Johnson and all the other pharmaceutical companies have agreed to replace all birth control pills with placebos and to make all condoms with holes (we're calling them the holes of laziness). It didn't take much convincing. When one sees the natural evolution of mankind one cannot deny that it leads to laziness and the even the most materialistic and greedy cannot deny man's destiny. With the explosion of the world population and the continued exponential growth in human population we will all be guaranteed enough support to reach our next stage in human evolution. You will send me the $10 annual membership fee and half the proceeds from any profits of laziness and one half of one half-squared from every one of your minions and minions of minions of laziness (squared). You will have your pyramid of minions there pushing us all up, up and away. Can you see the 'Universal' nature of laziness? Do you understand it is and must be for everyone? Do you understand that laziness is life? We all have to be working for the same goal- and I have taken the first steps to insure your laziness, now all you need to do is to accept your responsibilities and make the first move. Get those checks in the mail and start spreading the news. Do you want to go work in heaven? No, it's time to lie down and fight! Please forward this message of hope to everyone that you know ASAP so that they too can become lazy. Sincerely Yours, Mr. Lyons